> Subject: Fwd: Oddly enough, I
don't think these are too far out of line!
Grandma's Invitation
Dear
Family,
I'm not dead yet.
Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is
important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite
holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. Arrive late and you get
what's left over.
Last year, that
moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically
burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the
meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot
soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You
don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the
stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date
them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different
this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of
nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment,
but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House
Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans
for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children
still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a
child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be
paying close attention to refills.
3. Cloe, last year we were at Trudy's house
and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if
Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door
with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook
and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from
the bakery.
4. Grandmothers
give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can
eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as
they finish it.
5. I cook with
bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't
change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even
the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes
so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy...
look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at
Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like
cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like
video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of
memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother
means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I
don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids
and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a
day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the
cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can
live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean
things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and
cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That
was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for
Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card
that may or may not be signed.
The election is over so I'll watch what I say
about the black bastard, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that,
we'll have a good time. If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at
your expense. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with
beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family
needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all
of the above.
Love
You,
Grandma
P. S. There will be a basket by the door for
all of your cell phones, which will be returned when you leave!
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